“You couldn’t
get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you
smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.” – Edward
Flaherty.
January 29
(London) – European stock markets were thrown into fresh turmoil today as
Société Bancaire de Neasden shocked investors by disclosing that it had
inadvertently drifted into profit during its fourth quarter. At a press
conference, SBN Chief Executive Officer Boris Nurdbongleur expressed his
remorse.
“This is a dark
day in the history of Société Bancaire de Neasden, the premier investment
banking powerhouse of the Willesden Green and Dollis Hill area. I know our
customers, investors, shareholders and taxpayers count on us to lose money, and
I feel like I have let them all down.”
He admitted that
he had tendered his resignation to the bank’s chairman, Mr. Boris Nurdbongleur,
but that his offer had been rejected. The bank’s CEO also pledged to launch a
full scale investigation into the rogue profit, jointly headed by the bank’s
crack Forensic Trade Oversight, Manipulation and Reconciliation Committee,
Boris Nurdbongleur, and head of Settlements, Compliance and Executive Compensation,
B. Nurdbongleur.
The errant
profit is thought to have been triggered when a sandwich delivery man managed
to bypass the bank’s state of the art security system, Mavis on reception, and
accidentally sat on a keyboard in the bank’s dealing room. Announcement of the
profit was delayed pending the purchase of a replacement keyboard, thought to
be a Keysonic Wireless Mini, available from Argos Neasden at £34.95. Commentators suggested that this might
not be the last occurrence of an incompetent arse in a dealing room this year.
Speaking on
condition of anonymity, Marti Peeps, a spokesman for the bank, admitted that he
was gloomy on prospects for the sector, notwithstanding Société Bancaire de
Neasden’s surprise results.
“This has come
in the wake of other débacles within the group, and indeed from all other
banks, in real estate lending, securitised lending, high yield, subprime
investment and hedge fund sponsorship. I foresee a flight to liquidity followed
by possibly severe depression – but enough of my plans for the evening.”
SBN was recently
forced to close its flagship hedge fund, Long Term Riskless Ultra-Cautious
Diversified Capital Preservation III Master Fund, which catastrophically failed
three minutes after launch. Regulators believe Boris Nurdbongleur may also have
played a part in proceedings, as Head of SBN’s Triple Alpha Pro-Plus Delta One
Specutrage desk. The firm tried to head off creditors to the fund by claiming,
unsuccessfully, that it was incorporated on Io, one of Jupiter’s larger moons,
and therefore beyond any terrestrial claims for compensation.
This is not the
first time the Neasden-based bank has been involved in an awkward trading
mishap. Traders at the bank last year managed to lose $4.3 quadrillion during
the morning coffee run. CEO Nurdbongleur promised to winkle out the miscreants
responsible for the latest blow to the prestige of the Prout Grove-based
banking leviathan.
“And I will
strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger,” commented Mr.
Nurdbongleur in a newly revealed “hardline” stance against banking fraud, which
was later revealed to be part of the dialogue from ‘Pulp Fiction’.
Fears were first
raised about the extent of Société Bancaire de Neasden’s previous trading losses
when the Eurex derivatives exchange started receiving the bank’s margin
payments via the Emma Maersk, a 400 metre long 170,000 ton container ship.
As news emerged
of the latest shock profit, the Federal Reserve Open Market Committee was said
to be in secret session.
UK Prime
Minister Gordon Brown and Chancellor Alastair Badger were said to be following
proceedings closely. French President Nicolas Sarkozy was otherwise engaged, to
fruity Italian Ms. Carla Bruni. The FTSEurofirst 300 Bank Index closed down 1,
at 0.
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